From: Barry, Who Writes Spam Emails

Hey John.

It’s me. Barry. The guy who writes the spam emails to your work computer.

I feel like maybe we got off on the wrong foot. I feel like maybe there’s a lack of communication going on. See I work hard John. Like. Like I’m here. WORKING HARD. You know?

I know you don’t read my emails John. I don’t think you read them at all. Do you not respect me, John? Is that it?

It’s okay. It’s okay I understand.

Let’s just get down to brass tacks here man. Let’s get right to it.

What exactly will it take to get you in a walk-in tub? Not with me, John. No. Don’t be foolish. On your own. Independent. Like the man you are, you know?

I just feel like it’s time you got in on what this walk-in tub has to offer. Why deprive yourself of luxury? That’s what I’m offering here, John. LUXURY.

And don’t get me started on the safety. You won’t fall and break your neck in one of these bad boys! There’s a reason the 1% live longer. They know the value of a walk-in tub. Don’t believe me?

WARREN BUFFETT HAS TWO!

Obama even wrote about walk-in tubs in his lesser known sequel memoir, Specific Dreams of My Father: Owning a Walk-In Tub.

Oh? Did you think I didn’t actually care about walk-in tubs? Did you just assume I was some spam writing scammer? That’s so you. John. That’s so. typical. of. YOU.

Where do you think those messages come from? Someone has to write them! And that someone is me. Barry.

I can take a hint though. You’re not man enough for this. You can’t step up, LET ALONE STEP IN, to a walk-in tub.

It’s alright. It’s alright it’s not for everyone.

While I’m here, how are you feeling about the size of your penis? I don’t mean to be indelicate. I know this is your work email but I was asking about the SIZE OF YOUR PENIS. ENLARGE IT TODAY, JOHN.

GET THE JOHNSON YOU’VE ALWAYS WANTED, JOHN. Special recipe from our lead researcher. Doctors hate him!

You can trust me, John. Come on. It’s just ole Barry here. Good straight up Barry Americana from someplace inoffensive like Iowa.

I’ll be in touch. And let me know if you change your mind about that walk-in tub. They really are something special.

Love,

Barry

 

P.S. What are your thoughts on hot local babes in your area? Let me know. Thanks.

About mcgettigan

Writer and reader.
This entry was posted in Letters. Bookmark the permalink.

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