Unimportant News Wire

  • A woman in her early twenties sure looks like she thinks someone is watching her, reports her neighbor, telescope enthusiast Dirty Old Man Skaggs.
  • Local dog doesn’t trust tall people wearing hats. “It makes their heads look weird,” said the dog, assumed our correspondent.
  •  30 year old man depressed after eating entire pizza alone. “I don’t know what happened, the more I ate, the sadder I got,” he told an on the scene reporter.
  •  Local weather man wrong about the forecast again. Getting really tired of people bringing it up, sources close to him say.
  •  Strong smell reported in an apartment building in the Northern part of the valley. Resident Jane Tilkins, 26, confirmed that it was in fact only charred popcorn. “I mean, why have a button that says ‘popcorn’ on the microwave if that’s what it does to popcorn! I can’t be the only one.” A staff analyst confirmed that she was indeed the only one.
  •  “If you have books to read, you’re never lonely.” Upcoming feature on the world’s loneliest man.
  •  City native, and known hoarder, resolved to clean up his act. “I didn’t realize how bad it was till the cats started dying,” he told our correspondent who quit moments later.
  •  Man playing bar chords on the guitar at party somehow unaware he’s annoying literally everyone.
  •  BREAKING: Man who ate entire pizza unsure of whether or not he can recycle the box. “I mean, it’s cardboard, but it has cheese on it.” He told our reporter that he’ll, “figure it out.”
  •  FROM THE TIP LINE: A young woman called in asking if this was Sarah’s number. Our staff intern told her it wasn’t, and that his name was Fred. She said sorry, and that Fred was, like, one of those cool names you don’t hear a lot anymore. “It turns out her name is Roxanne and we went to high school together. Small world, man.”
  •  BREAKING: “He said he recycled it, but I think he just pushed it under the couch. And I don’t even want to think about what else is under there,” the man’s mother told the wire. “Honestly I’m just going to hit that whole room with a flamethrower if he ever moves the hell out,” the woman continued.
  •  Janet Tilkins, 26, “totally gonna start a blog,” after black and white instagram photo of her burnt popcorn becomes internet sensation.
  •  Local wife really sick of husband’s haircut, face.

 

The Unimportant News Wire is owned and operated by Hogs Breakfast Cereal. “If it’s just barely too good to feed to the dogs, it’s Hogs!” Make sure to check out our new TV spot with celebrity guest host Janet Tilkins!

About mcgettigan

Writer and reader.
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